One week in

So I've been having a lot of trouble writing a new blog post. I've been up to so much and it's all been a blur. I've written the beginnings of a couple of different posts and they all sucked so I erased them. As I was telling someone today (I'm not going to use names because that just feels weird) it is impossible for me to get across what's been happening in words. Sure, I can very easily tell you what I've been doing - today I went on a tour of a former slave lodge led by one of the most alternately amazing and frustrating people I've ever met; after this I had lunch with said person and had an interesting conversation with her; then I went to the American Consulate here. I know their goal is to make Americans feel safe abroad but after that meeting I never felt more alone. Something was so impersonal to me, so industrial. I left the consulate leaving very uneasy (it also happened to be a massive waste of time). This afternoon I had a community meeting where we planned the meal we're hosting tomorrow. Tonight we to a jazz club called the Blue Chip. It could have very well been the turning point for the trip. We were all sitting at dinner and being our typical loud but tentative/nervous selves and then all of a sudden a friend of mine on the trip and I locked eyes and went to the dance floor. Before I knew it all 23 of our group, plus one of our professors, were on the dance floor. Dancing, sweating, bad singing/yelling we finally had a moment together where it seems like we all clicked at the same time (this isn't to say that the last 6 days haven't been fun, they have, but the energy was palpable). Eventually the band broke out into "Stand by Me," Nirvana happened and that extremely rare bond between audience and artist was formed for however brief a moment. This is the day in a nutshell but this isn't what happened, that, I can't explain.

I'm learning about myself these days, learning mostly about what I'm not. I can tell you one thing, I am NOT funny in the least. I live in a house with 15 future stand up comedians. It's boarder line intimidating (actually it is intimidating but I think instead of writing about it on my blog I should nut up and just get over it). Right now I guess I'm just struggling to fit in (aren't we all). I have the constant fear that I simply will not be accepted, that I will be an outcast. This is making me ask myself a very important question, how important is it for me to fit? I guess I'm trying to tell myself that I could give a shit when I know deep down that it is important, it's what makes us human. I am hoping to start writing fiction again, I was inspired by a conversation I had with a fellow trip mate. I just miss creating worlds and characters and having the control that I crave so much and I haven't been able to realize. I'm hoping writing will become cathartic as I need catharsis and peace more than anything right now. I'm also hoping that I find the courage to actually share some of it this time around and post it on the blog, so all 5 or so of you reading this can read it and hopefully let me know what you think, honestly. Anyways my thoughts are fractured right now. I hope the post wasn't too heavy, I'm trying to be as real as I can. I really do love it here, there is something very special about this city. I'm off to bed. As always comment, laugh, share and such.